I put my boobs on AssessMyBreasts.com

Assess My Breasts is a website run by Nuts magazine which someone told me about a while ago. It’s fairly horrendous: women post beheaded photos of themselves displaying their mammaries to be rated by Nuts readers.

The average Nuts reader, judging by the website, is a fan of boobs so large they look like they would cause serious lower back pain, accompanied by waists so small that lower back pain would be fucking excruciating. This is not to criticise them at all, but it is a worrying body preference trend in terms of one’s health. I have large boobs and a small waist. I’m a 30E. (Small back measurement, large cup size.) Yet compared to some of the women on the site I felt positively fat and flat chested.

When I uploaded my breasts I was hopeful I would get a good score. I’ve had a lot of compliments from ex-boyfriends and girlfriends about them, and if no one else does, I absolutely love them. They’re soft and round and comfortable and they balance out my huge hips.

At first, it was looking good. I was at 7.9. I could deal with that. That was good. But my score seemed to keep getting lower until I was only at 6.7. Still above average I suppose but that wasn’t good enough for me. I’m pretty arrogant and when recently some scumbag guy told me he thought I was a 6 and a half I assumed he was a gross twit who had read that disgusting ‘dating’ book ‘The Game’ and had picked up tips on ‘negging’ – making good-looking women feel insecure by giving them half-compliments and insults dressed up as compliments. Like a friend of mine who was told she had a nice overbite. ‘Bugs bunny is my favourite TV character’ he apparently said. Swine. So I tend to think I’m pretty fit, not that itt really matters.

Anyway, yes I got 6.7. I was not happy.

And then I realised I was a queer feminist who had put my breasts on there to see what happened, how it was processed and how the website worked; not because I required confirmation from dickheads.

So I remembered, I’m intelligent, confident, and I have a personality and a brain as well as a body. I have strong convictions and friends and family who love me. Why the hell did I care?

A mainstream magazine such as Nuts should not be putting women through this. It’s sick that I, a confident queer feminist, actually gave a shit. And it’s horrible to think that some of the women on that website will give more of a shit than I do. It’s actually rank.

Three words: Fuck. That. Shit.

Who’s with me?